Lymeing with Chemical Sensitivities

The only benefit I can see in being annoyed with the people I live with is that I get a lot of knitting done. I got an extra large amount of knitting done today by the way.

The problem seems to be that I have to choose between my own health and the health and happiness of the people around me. They are, apparently, mutually exclusive.

If I express what I need to get better (a chemical free environment and to not to be tortured by eating my favourite foods in front of me when I can no longer enjoy them) they either don’t listen or they think I’m attacking them personally. When really, from my point of view, I’m just asking for a modification of behaviour.

You see, it’s like this: Every action I take has a complex calculation of costs and benefits. Is writing something down in my notebook to remember it later more important than the ill health created by being exposed to the ink, pen, and paper? Is the cathartic experience of blogging worth the time on the computer (a very wrong substance for me to be around)? Is storing the clothes in my dresser worth having the dresser in the room and being exposed to the gasses offed by the finish on the dresser every night as I sleep thus putting further strain on my immune system? Is it better to sleep in a room with a sub zero temperature or to have a heater in my room which not only emits electro magnetic frequencies but also heats up the above mentioned dresser causing it to off more gas than it would if it was cold?

These are some of the simpler calculations. I have to do this literally thousands of times a day because we just don’t have the resources to create a bubble that I could live in. Keeping in mind that I am now so sensitive to petrol chemicals that I can tell when a plastic pen enters the room in someone’s pocket. This is the one symptom that seems to be getting worse while all the others are beginning to improve. And it’s getting much worse very quickly. This is enormously difficult for me and it doesn’t help that I keep messing it up and making the wrong choices.

The people around me have given up so much already for me, moved into this home with me, have stopped using some chemical products, and such, but not all. How is it that my friends who I don’t interact with very often are more conscience of my physical needs than the people who are suppose to know me best?

The people I live with let things slide more than I do. They aren’t aware of how ill I get from this because I’ve been doing relatively well in other areas lately. I’m aware of their sacrifices, grateful for them, and I find it difficult to remind people of certain things at the time they do them. If I can catch them before the act is finished, I’ll gently ask them to do something differently; however, most of the time I catch them too late. They think they can do things behind my back and I won’t notice. I notice. Why don’t I say anything then? Because I feel bad to tell someone off after the deed is done – bad doggie. I’m learning how to do this more and more, but it doesn’t seem to help.

The reason why I say things so forcefully and so often is because people don’t seem to hear me. They don’t remember, hear, care, whatever, so I say things again with more force. I feel like a total nag. From my point of view, if they cared about me then they would listen and remember. I don’t ask for these things just for a lark. I ask because they are important. From there point of view, I think they feel that they are already moving heaven and earth for me and I’m just ungrateful by demanding the unreasonable. I am grateful - I just wish they could try harder. Move heave, earth and hell so to speak. The devil is in the details and it’s the little things that are getting to my health most of all.

In many ways it was far better for my emotional health in the apartment.

I don’t know how to make this better. I want to fix things. If something is broken, I see how it is suppose to go and then try to find a way to make it go that way. How do I fix this? I have yet to discover a successful way to communicate. Is it Yurt time? It’s bloody cold out there tonight, but by the time I build a yurt at the far side of the property and dig a long drop, it should be a little warmer at night.

Now, it’s back to the knitting. Need to calm down further before attempting to communicate again.

PS: Yes, I know the people I am writing about will probably read this. And yes, I have said all of this to their faces before, albeit, not quite so eloquently. If this turns out to be a way I can successfully communicate with them, then I’ll use it. It’s cheaper than buying/building a yurt.